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105 Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes and Jokes to Give You a Hearty Laugh

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If you are looking for best John Mulaney quotes? Stop your search because we have compiled some amazing John Mulaney funny quotes to set your mood. John Mulaney is a famous stand-up comedian, writer, actor and producer from the United States. Mulaney has been a headliner since 2008. He is famous for his work on Saturday Night Live and his comedy specials.

He’s also done a lot of voice work and other appearances, and he’s simply a really entertaining guy. His and his jokes are extremely popular on the Internet, and some John Mulaney quotes from his comedy specials are extremely relatable.

Mulaney has a quote that will make you chuckle, whether he’s talking about being raised Catholic or how people always believe he’s gay. We’ve compiled a collection of few best John Mulaney best jokes that will have you laughing out loud.

No matter how bad things are in the world, we could all use a little more laughing. It’s good for us, it’s enjoyable, and it makes us feel more connected to other people. John Mulaney is a master of ridiculous stories, setups, and delivery, and his comedy is both highly relatable and upbeat rather than depressing. If you haven’t seen all of his Netflix specials or are looking for specific jokes that have become instant classics, look no farther than the collated list of John Mulaney quotes below.

Check out this list of amazing John Mulaney quotes to uplift your energy.

Best John Mulaney Quotes of All Time

Why not brighten your mood for the day? Nothing beats watching a funny movie or reading something vibrant and humorous to relax. The key to happiness is right in front of your eyes. When you’re down, keep a positive outlook on life. These John Mulaney best quotes are guaranteed to brighten your day and make you smile.

  1. I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. –John Mulaney
  2. I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! –John Mulaney
  3. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. –John Mulaney
  4. I think eventually, everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea what’s gonna happen next. And neither do you. And neither do your parents. –John Mulaney
  5. I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV. –John Mulaney
  6. My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you. –John Mulaney
  7. I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream? –John Mulaney
  8. If someone had written a review saying,Oh, Hello is stupid,’ we would have said, ‘Yeah, it is. You’re absolutely right.’ That people liked it was extremely cool. –John Mulaney
  9. An episode that is near and dear to my heart is the entire cast in one room for the night because we get bed bugs in our apartment building so we have to stay with Martin Short. –John Mulaney
  10. There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can. –John Mulaney
  11. I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. What do I do in that situation? Get through it. –John Mulaney
  12. I do longer runs on things, a lot stories. I really like one-liners, I like a lot of different kinds of standup but I’ve always been long-winded. –John Mulaney
  13. Occasionally, you get that one person that says, ‘I really like that one part of this joke,’ and you go, ‘Oh thank you that’s my favorite part too.’ But no, in order for it to be authentic, hopefully you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with and then you have a few things for yourself. –John Mulaney

Famous John Mulaney Quotes

Smiling makes you feel better. You can start your day on a bright note by smiling. We can uncover the secret of happiness and success if we work harder and strive to address our problems. John Mulaney has an incredible ability to make people cry with laughter. Take a look at some of quotes by John Mulaney.

  1. Being president looks like the worst job in the world. –John Mulaney
  2. My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. ‘How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan? –John Mulaney
  3. It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment. –John Mulaney
  4. I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay. –John Mulaney
  5. It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, ‘Yeah, you should be nervous.’ Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, ‘Relax. Shut up.’ And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy. –John Mulaney
  6. In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it. –John Mulaney
  7. I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table. –John Mulaney
  8. Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials for like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you’re playing to the camera. –John Mulaney
  9. I definitely look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I’d say I got a tiny bit better. –John Mulaney
  10. I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. –John Mulaney
  11. I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting. –John Mulaney
  12. Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads. –John Mulaney
  13. If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight, you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes, you’re communicating to the people at home using the studio audience that’s right in front of you as a guide for that.

Popular John Mulaney Quotes

John Mulaney’s comedic lines are great and can help to uplift your mood. To lift your spirits from your depressing life, read the breathtakingly humorous comments from his standup comedy TV show. These amusing John Mulaney quotes are sure to brighten your day.

  1. You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about. –John Mulaney
  2. It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them – especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. –John Mulaney
  3. It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control. –John Mulaney
  4. I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that. –John Mulaney
  5. I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die? –John Mulaney
  6. Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome. –John Mulaney
  7. The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that when a movie comes out, everyone should give it four stars because it was accomplished. –John Mulaney
  8. Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time. –John Mulaney
  9. My standup persona is like I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state. –John Mulaney
  10. I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else. –John Mulaney
  11. I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny. –John Mulaney
  12. The best-case scenario is everything goes perfect and smooth, but we’re also a new and weird show. So all my conversations were, “Hey last night didn’t go perfect but we kind of know what we’ve got in store for everybody episode-wise. –John Mulaney
  13. I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be. –John Mulaney

Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes

John Mulaney, a stand-up comedian, is a master at making people laugh. You can also watch some John Mulaney skits. They’re intense and instructional, but they’re also funny and lighten your mood. John Mulaney’s finest quotes are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud. Check out these hilarious John Mulaney quotes.

  1. I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. –John Mulaney
  2. My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. ‘How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan? –John Mulaney
  3. Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!”No one talk to my wife!”I didn’t kill my wife! –John Mulaney
  4. My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. –John Mulaney
  5. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said ‘Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?’ and I said, ‘Yes’, But here’s the thing. –John Mulaney
  6. When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’. –John Mulaney
  7. All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. –John Mulaney
  8. Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.
  9. I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American. –John Mulaney
  10. For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on. –John Mulaney
  11. We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving. –John Mulaney
  12. Donald Trump’s not good at running for president. He’s just good at Family Feud. So, when the Steve Harvey of this election is like, ‘Name something that is bothering Americans!’ And Ted Cruz is like, ‘Benghazi!’ WRONG! Then Trump is like, ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer on the board. –John Mulaney

Short John Mulaney Quotes

Mulaney has a unique style of imitating individuals that is both amusing and engaging. If you start your day with a lovely smile, nothing will be able to stop you. Start your day with a smile by reading these short John Mulaney quotes.

  1. I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. –John Mulaney
  2. Most open-mic experiences I had were okay. –John Mulaney
  3. I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die. –John Mulaney
  4. Things don’t exist until they exist. –John Mulaney
  5. Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways. –John Mulaney
  6. I don’t look older, I just look worse. –John Mulaney
  7. You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair. –John Mulaney
  8. I like to pace onstage. –John Mulaney
  9. In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. –John Mulaney
  10. Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.–John Mulaney
  11. My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. –John Mulaney
  12. It’s wrong to make fun of people but it’s so fun sometimes. –John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes about Life

John Mulaney has the ability to influence people with his witty lines. If you want to motivate yourself, check out some of the best John Mulaney quotes about life below. His humor will undoubtedly improve your attitude, and his talent is unrivalled. Enjoy!

  1. I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. –John Mulaney
  2. You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. –John Mulaney
  3. It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. –John Mulaney
  4. I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of. –John Mulaney
  5. You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments! –John Mulaney
  6. The Doula was and is a very, very special episode to me because I think it’s very funny and very weird and it also is 100 percent based on my life, in that I fainted three times during Sex Ed in real life the three different years. –John Mulaney
  7. If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word. –John Mulaney
  8. I never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I’d tell all of you. –John Mulaney
  9. Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. –John Mulaney
  10. I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. –John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes about High School

School is the area where you make memories that you will tell your grandchildren in the future. You know you have some memories worth writing, whether you were bullied or were the laughing stock of the class. In this section, we have collected some John Mulaney quotes about high school for you.

  1. If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter. –John Mulaney
  2. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. –John Mulaney
  3. Bill Clinton fascinates me because, at the time, it seemed like his shenanigans and the people after him were the biggest political stories you could ever imagine. I remember when the ‘Starr Report’ was published in the newspaper, all of us were reading it in the high-school cafeteria, and a dean started taking the newspapers away from us. –John Mulaney
  4. As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quiete. –John Mulaney
  5. Sometimes I – with comedy, it’s like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, ‘Hi! I’m -‘ and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over. –John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes about Friends

John Mulaney knows the art to bring smile on your face when you are feeling down. Check out our collection of John Mulaney quotes about friends if you’re seeking for some amusing but insightful quotes to keep you going when things get tough.

  1. 13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. –John Mulaney
  2. With my friends, I was still an extrovert. –John Mulaney
  3. I’ve always believed that you often need less. You don’t need to hear why people are friends, you don’t need to hear why people are roommates, you don’t need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something. –John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes about College

College is one of the best venues to make lifelong experiences. Even when learning and working on a career, college allows you to interact with others and create lifelong friendships. Mulaney has a few college jokes, which we have listed here. Enjoy these John Mulaney quotes about college.

  1. College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep? –John Mulaney
  2. Your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, ‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.’ And they’re like, ‘partial credit.’ And that’s a whole thing. –John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes on Luck and Hard Work

Even John Mulaney had his terrible days as a teenager. He, on the other hand, worked hard to break his poor habits. If you sit at home doing nothing, you will inevitably grow depressed. A small amount of guts and a sincere effort to do something can make your life more enjoyable. Are you looking for some motivation to lift your spirits? We’ve gathered some best John Mulaney quotes on luck and hard work for you.

  1. When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. –John Mulaney
  2. I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster. –John Mulaney
  3. The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. –John Mulaney
  4. You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. –John Mulaney
  5. I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. –John Mulaney
  6. Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. –John Mulaney
  7. Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for. –John Mulaney
  8. I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well. –John Mulaney
  9. I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it. –John Mulaney
  10. People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done. –John Mulaney

More John Mulaney Quotes and Sayings

John Mulaney, like all great artists and comedians, can make everything into a source of laughter. Take a glance at the following list of John Mulaney sayings. These are some of the stand-up comedian’s best quips and all-time favorites. In fact, you will be unable to see them approaching. To comprehend these jokes, you’ll need a sense of humor.

  1. My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. –John Mulaney
  2. If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial. –John Mulaney
  3. You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one look at me or I’ll kill myself. –John Mulaney
  4. I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the ’80s. Every comedian. –John Mulaney
  5. I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for, like, 28 years.
  6. I was once on the telephone with blockbuster video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. –John Mulaney
  7. I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away —​ then they’re just pants. –John Mulaney
  8. Why do people shush animals? They just go ‘Shhh, hey, shhh.’ They’ve never spoken. –John Mulaney
  9. I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horses##t. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all. –John Mulaney
  10. I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be. –John Mulaney
  11. It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. –John Mulaney
  12. I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines. –John Mulaney

Final Thoughts on John Mulaney Quotes

We hope so you enjoyed this collection of John Mulaney quotes. While it is known that his profession as a comedian automatically makes him hilarious, he excels at it. If you’re facing a bad day, look through the John Mulaney funny quotes for a good laugh. With his quotes, you can never go wrong.

For anyone wishing to laugh their heart out, John Mulaney best jokes are some of the greatest. He has an amazing way of playing with words and memories that make you laugh out loud. He is undoubtedly one of the best stand-up comedians worth your time.

John Mulaney is one of those persons who goes out of his way to make others happy. In most cases, he speaks about his personal experiences, but he does so in such a wonderful manner that it is impossible not to laugh. This article contains a collection of John Mulaney quotes that will undoubtedly make you laugh out loud.

Thanks for going through this article. Stay laughing!

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